“I can prescribe you Quetiapine, but you’ll gain lots of weight. Is the fact that okay?”
It required us a moment to reply to my mental health specialist. She was giving me medication in my insomnia, which in fact had only grown worse through the pandemic. Over-the-counter sleeping medication wasn’t working any longer. Neither was the prior pill she prescribed, Temazepam. I had been merely a couple of nights of poor sleeping from another manic episode. That’s what goes on with bpd. One symptom feeds into another until you’re a sobbing mess with no longer in charge of your ideas, feelings, or actions.
I’d to get rid of my sleep. However I was concerned about doing the work at the fee for my body system image. I’d already acquired weight during the period of the pandemic. It was different, though. Would I sacrifice my already shaky mental health simply because I did not wish to gain in weight?
There’s no problem with being fat. I understand this theoretically, yet applying that logic to myself is a different story. I’ve battled with body image for many of my existence, from getting an unspecified eating disorders in college to fluctuating putting on weight due to PCOS. And I’ve frequently worried that others think I am not taking proper care of myself.
“My counselor jogs my memory that ‘thinness doesn’t equal happiness.’ And That I know she’s right.”
Logically, I understand that putting on the weight doesn’t mean one is slacking on self-care, however the idea haunts me anyway. There’s ample rhetoric in media that equates putting on weight to “letting yourself go.” Even though I understand I’m psychologically and physically healthier than I’ve have you been, I’m also much, much heavier. So, I brace myself for rude comments from family people about my body system. I’m always prepared to defend myself using their judgment about how exactly I look.
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My counselor jogs my memory that “thinness doesn’t equal happiness.” And That I know she’s right.
After I was thinner, I had been completely depressed and not able to consider proper care of myself. I had been going days without sleep, hardly eating, getting crying spells, as well as hallucinating. Generally, I had been some risk to myself. And honestly? I can just learn I had been getting these signs and symptoms since i told buddies, and that i journaled about this. I do not cash memory of this time. Memory lapses are typical with depression. Sure, I had been around 50 pounds lighter, however i seemed to be 50 occasions as unhinged. And That I still wasn’t pleased with my body system.
I’d two options: I possibly could appear my medication-thus running the potential risks that include bpd, simply to become skinny again. Or I possibly could accept my new body, sort out my shame, and remain on existence-saving meds.
At its core, I recognize I’ve been feeling embarrassed with myself. Deep lower, I’m embarrassed with both my rapid putting on weight and tenuous mental health. I spend considerable time making excuses for. But I’m also embarrassed with what all of this guilt states about me.
How do i call myself an appearance-positive feminist after i try looking in the mirror and just think negatively about my very own body? Who shall we be held to talk about messages of self-love basically can’t apply these to myself?
“Slowly, and just as I’m guessing eventually at any given time, I’m understanding how to be less embarrassed with my reality. Though I’m the most heavy I’ve have you been, I’m even the most stable-and that’s due to my medications.”
I’ve since satisfied my prescription. Gradually, and just as I’m guessing eventually at any given time, I’m understanding how to be less embarrassed with my reality. Though I’m the most heavy I’ve have you been, I’m even the most stable-and that’s due to my medications. I had been put on a lesser dose initially, but we’ve now bending it. I acquired just a little weight at first, and that i know I will gain in.
But taking my medicine is a kind of self-care. It enables me to obtain sufficient sleep. Admonishing myself for putting on the weight while attempting self-care is, well, not self-care.
And That I owe it to myself to complete mundane self-care like taking my medication, cooking my very own meals, and purchasing clothes which make me feel great. I’m also taking care of myself by filtering my social networking feeds to regularly see individuals who seem like me-and less people on unhealthy diets. I’m eliminating clothes that no more fit, rather of having by myself situation about this. I expect to locating a brand new wardrobe with this new body.
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Because it isn’t the load that should be shed, but my shame around it. Much like taking my medication, I must focus on it every single day. But I’ll fill on self-love exactly the same way I’ll refill my meds.
“Because it isn’t the load that should be shed, but my shame around it.”