Wednesday, November 29

A “Sex Checklist” Saved My Relationship!

Finding Satisfaction In Structure

Personal time management isn’t within my DNA. It isn’t just being late: frequently, it’s getting a lot of time and a lot of options inside a given period. And it is taking not enough time for you to develop a task. (Yes, it’s exhausting. You will find, the Cheesecake Factory is really a harmful spot for people much like me.)

Admittedly, I’ve had recurring, similar issues around sex: Attending college and grad school, sex was flippant and unreflective, an action of convenience. Then, despite increasingly organized and structured into their adult years (I’m a listing-obsessed paper planner), sex continued to be shapeless and spontaneous in a manner that ironically helped me feel in charge and optimally preferred.

That altered in my current partner. A spiritual upbringing, Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, along with a traumatic past relationship made his sexual evolution very different than mine. While sex introduced me confidence and release, sex required him to some more complicated and anxious place that typically incorporated feelings of inexperience or inadequacy.

“While sex introduced me confidence and release, sex required him to some more complicated and anxious place that typically incorporated feelings of inexperience or inadequacy.”

Don’t have it twisted: we’d hot sex. Still, the impulsive and organic initiation felt like walking eggshells, in which a misstep by both of us meant the night required a confusing, unintended turn. If my lady required a lot of time to ready for bed, I’d get annoyed. Basically attempted something totally new-like speaking dirty or perhaps a different sex position-he’d get tossed off.

With no plan in position, sexual anxiety within the moment could derail a potentially amazing night. And That I understood when we stored doing things “my way,” we’d split up. Or worse, we’d stay together, exacerbated and caught inside a cycle of competing sexual languages.

So, we designed a plan. We visited our particular therapists for sources, mostly around Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder learning structures and boundary-making. With this new studying list, we made the decision what resonated with everyone and produced a “Sex Listing.”

Whenever you consider it, accountability and structure are what a lot of us use within other areas in our lives (like workout regimens, chore wheels, or progress reports). If the approach works within our professional, creative, educational, and residential endeavors, possibly it might work with my sex existence too.

Which was my hope a minimum of. Also it labored. Here’s their email list my spouse and i produced and then follow:


Around the to begin each month, my spouse and i undergo a listing. Their list is in our individual sexual needs and also the sexual requirements of our relationship. I wish to highlight this isn’t an informal “stream-of-consciousness” exercise however a physical list on the piece of paper that people review monthly. Their email list communicates our expectations for that month and allows us to reconnect with this sexual joy, milestones, and points.

An added bonus: extremely high points have more mileage revisiting them days later is sort of a second, bonus wave of hotness.


Once per week, we designate an evening for sex making it our most important. And when i state sex, I am talking about any sexual connection-from carrying out a sex worksheet to giving massages to getting sex. It’s everything we made the decision on throughout the check-in. “Sex Night” is a lot larger than the sum of the its parts: sturdy a secure and consistent space to understand more about closeness and perhaps have a few orgasms on the way. Actually, this “sex night” continues to be so effective, it’s since expanded to 2 nights each week.

3. During Intercourse: WE EMBRACE A “SEX FLOW”

We have also produced a loose order of sexual occasions that people can participate in, unless of course we have discussed otherwise. It’s made with our background and backgrounds in your mind and enables us to develop to sex gradually and establish trust and luxury. This provides us both stability and confidence that people need during intercourse. It changes and expands each month (the following month, we’re focusing on dental sex and massage, for instance!), but it’s set up a baseline for all of us both to keep on track if something does derail us-like an excessive amount of wine or perhaps a bad work day.

I understand what you’re thinking-girl, that’s a great deal. So when I view it in paragraph form, point taken. However it works best for us! It’s introduced both our anxiety lower around sex: we all know when we’ll get it, what’s going to happen, which we’ll both get our sexual needs met. I’m able to with confidence state that the clearness, consistency, and built-in communication has truly saved our relationship. Without them, it might be an ambiguous hurt-feelings nightmare along with a repeat of communicational habits from your past relationships (no thanks).

“The consequence of the Sex Listing is what’s causing us to be more powerful.”

Possibly much more importantly, caused by the Sex Listing is what’s causing us to be more powerful. Correctly, we’ve learned to produce a space not only to build our sex existence but to trace our progress and celebrate our closeness in ways Never imagined possible. The listing has introduced profound and positive changes to my relationship, and I’m confident it may evolve to everything we would like it to be or include later on.

Obviously, ye olde Sex Listing isn’t perfect. We sometimes do miscommunicate during intercourse, a treadmill people just isn’t feeling it. And that’s okay! Their email list feels its most powerful when something goes awry because its mere existence puts us back in line.

In ways, it seems like sex has finally swept up to the way i approach the remainder of my existence: with increased intention, more enjoyable, not to mention, more checklists.